Good Directions
by accidental laughter
Summary: "Oh, just forget it. I'll ask this guy wielding a chainsaw to direct me back home -" A story in which Freddie becomes increasingly aware of Sam's inability to know where she's going.


_I'm back! Sorry for the long absence. Today's antics are inspired by my real life friends. _

**_Dislcaimer: I don't own iCarly._**

"Go to bed, Sam."

Over the years, Freddie had become increasingly aware of Sam's insomnia. Some nights she would sleep fine, and those were the nights Freddie loved. A sleepy Sam is never a happy Sam.

But tonight was something different altogether.

"Can't," she says simply.

"You say that bu-"

"I'm not anywhere near a bed, dork."

"Then where are you?" he asks, rubbing his eyes.

"Oh, I don't know. Somewhere past the train station."

"What?" he says, forgetting he should be whispering. Mrs. Benson stops snoring in the next room. "Why are you out there?"

"I wanted to go on a walk," she says.

He imagines her shrugging as if going for a walk at four in the morning is the most normal, sane thing in the world.

"Oh, thanks for clearing that up for me, Sam," his voice oozes sarcasm, "for a second there I thought you had just lost your mind."

She laughs; a high pitched, 'that wasn't funny' laugh that makes his spine tingle.

"So, what is it you want, then, if you're not planning on sleeping?" he asks, yawning into the phone.

"Well, I called you to tell you to get on Google Earth."

"You mean you called to _ask _me to get on Google Earth?" he corrects.

"No," she says, allowing a yawn to slip out, "Get on Google Earth, nub."

"Why?"

"I don't know where I am."

"But you just said you were at the train station."

"No," she says, her voice lowering, "I said I was _somewhere _past the train station. I have no clue where I'm at."

"And you want me to Google Earth your location?" he asks.

"Oh, just forget it. I'll ask this guy wielding a chainsaw to direct me back home - oh, sir, do you happen to know where 15677 Lily Drive is? Oh, you don't? You think my head would look good on a platter? Why, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Did you hear that Freddie?" her voice is complete honey.

"Okay, okay, I'll Google it." he gives in and steps out of bed. His computer monitor flashes to the Google Earth homepage. He enters some information, then says, "Tell me your exact location."

She sighs, aggravated, "If I knew that I wouldn't have called you!"

He returns the sigh, "Just describe it - maybe I'll know where you're at."

"Um," she says, "okay. Well, there's a bush, over there. Some weird statue of a bird that's all lit up with fancy lights is in front of me. And I'm pretty sure I just saw a UFO."

"Do you see anything else that might pin point where you're at?" he asks, ignoring the UFO remark.

"No- well, there's a guy walking down the street. Should I ask him?"

"Sure."

He hears wind roaring through the phone, followed by muffled voices. Suddenly, Sam's voice rings out clearly, "Hey, where am I?"

"Seattle," a deep voice answers.

The phone roars again as she comes back on the line.

"I'm in Seattle, Freddie."

"I knew that!" his voice cracks, "Did you ask him what street you're on?"

The line goes silent.

"Uh, no, was I supposed to?" she asks.

"Sam! Wha-How-I- UGH" he bellows, as if his anger holds back his capability to speak.

The line fades in and out.

"Uh, Freddie, hurry up and find me, already. I've been leanin' against this street sign for half an hour, and believe me, it's not the comfortablest thing around."

"S-street sign?" he asks.

"Well, yeah," she replies, "y'know what a street sign is, right? They're usually green with white-"

"_I know what a street sign is, Sam."_

"Well, it certainly doesn't sound like it." she says.

"_**Just tell me what the sign says."**_

"Ask nicely." she replies sardonically.

"Fine, don't ever-"

"Okay," she interjects, "don't get your anti-bacterial, mommy's boy panties in a twist. It says 16798, Jade road. There, happy now?"

He enters the address into his computer.

"Okay, you're about three miles away from your house. Just take a left turn and keep going straight." he says.

He hears the sound of wind again and figures she's moving.

"So I take a left here?"she asks.

"Yes."

"Are you _sure_?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You sound pretty whack and your brain probably doesn't work when you're all whacked out... And because there's a lake in my way."

"Can't you just go _around _the lake?" he asks, leaning back in his seat.

"That's not how Dora does it."

"Just go around the frikin' lake, Sam."

"Okay, Okay, Mr. 'I have anger issues'."

The roaring noise returns as she goes past the lake. He waits patiently for about twenty minutes while she sings 'Boulevard Of Broken Dreams' - her own version. Finally she says, "Yes, yes, yes,yes, _yes_!" and he smiles.

"So, I'm guessing you're home now?" he asks.

"No."

"Then why did you say, 'yes' repeatedly in a very excited fashion?"

"The dude at Inside out Burger just told me they have 'half-off everything-after-three-in-the-morning' deal!"

His anger grows silently.

"So, you're telling me you wake me up at four in the morning, demand me to give you directions to get home, make me practically drug the street information out of you, and you go to Inside Out Burger _instead?"_

She wait's a while.

"Yes. Yes I did."

"Don't ever call me again, Sam."

She laughs again, very fake-like, and says, "Love you too, Fredkins. Sleep tight, don't let the germs bite!"

He hangs up, content on sleeping in, but is rudely awoken ten minutes later to receive this uncanny voicemail:

"_He walks these empty streets, all alone because he stinks. That poor boy never sleeps, because, well, his name's Freddie. And he stinks. His face is uh-ugly and he's probably going to walk alone- down the isle, that is. Ba da da ba, 'cuz he's the only one and boy does he sure reek._

Hey, Inside out burger dude, sing along!

_Freddie walks these empty streets, on the boulevard of- man he sure does stink! Oh, and he's a nub! And he sleeps with a buh-lankie!"_

Hope ya'll like it! It was pretty fun to write, considering it was almost midnight and stuff. XXxx


End file.
